After about two years of dating, I was at my boyfriend\u2019s house one weekend, lying beside him in bed when he suddenly said something that changed the way I saw him.<\/p>\n
We were both barely dressed, relaxing after lunch, when he looked at me and said,<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a little concerned that you\u2019ve been gaining weight.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat up.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
He sighed like he was about to discuss something very serious.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve put on weight since we met. It\u2019s becoming harder for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
Not concern about my health.<\/p>\n
Not a suggestion that we exercise together.<\/p>\n
Not even, \u201cAre you feeling okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
He was telling me he found me less attractive.<\/p>\n
I looked down at myself.<\/p>\n
I had gained maybe ten pounds over two years.<\/p>\n
I still wore the same size clothes, roughly a US 6\u20138.<\/p>\n
I was twenty-three years old.<\/p>\n
And I wasn’t about to let someone make me feel ashamed of having a completely normal body.<\/p>\n
So I calmly said,<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, maybe you should make sure there\u2019s better food for me to eat when I come up here on weekends.\u201d<\/p>\n
He blinked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does that have to do with anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re the one who keeps stocking the kitchen with crackers, cheese, chips, frozen pizza, and whatever dessert you happen to want.\u201d<\/p>\n
He opened his mouth.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd when I come here, we don’t exactly spend our weekends hiking through the mountains.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked annoyed.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not the point.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I said. \u201cThe point is that you told me my body has become a problem for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shifted against the pillows.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just being honest.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
I folded my arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what\u2019s your solution?\u201d<\/p>\n
He hesitated.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
Finally he said,<\/p>\n
\u201cI think you should lose some weight.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s your solution?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo my body?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him for several seconds.<\/p>\n
Then I asked,<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what are you planning to change?\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you’re concerned about our lifestyle, what are you<\/strong> going to change?\u201d<\/p>\n He shrugged.<\/p>\n \u201cI don’t know. Why does it have to involve me?\u201d<\/p>\n I smiled.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I’m not the only person eating the food.\u201d<\/p>\n Silence.<\/p>\n Then he said something I’ll never forget.<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re making this bigger than it is.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I replied. \u201cYou’re making my body your responsibility.\u201d<\/p>\n He rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cI just want you to look like you did when we started dating.\u201d<\/p>\n I stared at him.<\/p>\n \u201cThat’s interesting.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don’t look exactly like I did two years ago either.\u201d<\/p>\n He didn’t understand.<\/p>\n \u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo neither do you.\u201d<\/p>\n He looked offended.<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re comparing my body to yours?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I’m comparing reality to your expectations.\u201d<\/p>\n I got out of bed and started getting dressed.<\/p>\n He watched me.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you seriously leaving over this?\u201d<\/p>\n I picked up my purse.<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n He relaxed slightly.<\/p>\n \u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI’m leaving because I just learned something about you.\u201d<\/p>\n His smile disappeared.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat if my body changes, you think I’m obligated to change it back for your benefit.\u201d<\/p>\n I walked downstairs.<\/p>\n He followed me.<\/p>\n \u201cThat’s not what I said.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt is exactly what you said.\u201d<\/p>\n He grabbed his keys.<\/p>\n \u201cFine. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.\u201d<\/p>\n I turned around.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I’m glad you did.\u201d<\/p>\n He looked confused.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause now I know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cKnow what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat if I gain ten pounds, you think I’m less valuable.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s ridiculous.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n I opened the front door.<\/p>\n \u201cBut I don’t want to spend the next twenty years wondering whether every birthday, pregnancy, illness, stressful year, medication, or ordinary change in my body is going to make you decide I’m no longer attractive enough.\u201d<\/p>\n He said nothing.<\/p>\n I left.<\/p>\n I expected him to call that night.<\/p>\n He didn’t.<\/p>\n Instead, he waited three days.<\/p>\n Then he showed up at my apartment with flowers.<\/p>\n \u201cI’ve been thinking,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n I let him in.<\/p>\n He sat on my couch.<\/p>\n \u201cI was shallow.\u201d<\/p>\n I nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI shouldn’t have said it like that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou shouldn’t have thought it like that.\u201d<\/p>\n He looked down.<\/p>\n \u201cI don’t want to lose you.\u201d<\/p>\n I studied him.<\/p>\n \u201cThen why did you make me feel like I had to earn your attraction?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don’t know.\u201d<\/p>\n That answer was more honest than anything else he’d said.<\/p>\n I asked him one final question.<\/p>\n \u201cIf I gained another ten pounds next year, what would happen?\u201d<\/p>\n He hesitated.<\/p>\n And that hesitation told me everything.<\/p>\n I shook my head.<\/p>\n \u201cI don’t want to live like that.\u201d<\/p>\n He started crying.<\/p>\n \u201cI can change.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe you can.\u201d<\/p>\n I stood.<\/p>\n \u201cBut I don’t want to be your training program while you figure it out.\u201d<\/p>\n We broke up that afternoon.<\/p>\n For a while, I wondered if I’d been too harsh.<\/p>\n Then something unexpected happened.<\/p>\n About six months later, I ran into him at a grocery store.<\/p>\n He looked different.<\/p>\n Not thinner.<\/p>\n Just\u2026 happier.<\/p>\n We talked for a few minutes.<\/p>\n He told me he’d started therapy after our breakup.<\/p>\n \u201cI realized I had this ridiculous idea that my partner’s appearance was something I was entitled to control,\u201d he said. \u201cI was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n I appreciated the apology.<\/p>\n But I didn’t regret leaving.<\/p>\n Years later, I married someone else.<\/p>\n And one evening, after a long day, I looked in the mirror and realized my body had changed again.<\/p>\n Different shape.<\/p>\n Different weight.<\/p>\n Different life.<\/p>\n My husband walked behind me, wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek, and said,<\/p>\n \u201cYou look beautiful.\u201d<\/p>\n I laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re legally required to say that.\u201d<\/p>\n He smiled.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I’m required to love you.\u201d<\/p>\n Then he kissed me again.<\/p>\n And I realized something.<\/p>\n The right person doesn’t make you feel like your body is a contract with conditions.<\/p>\n They understand that you’re going to change.<\/p>\n Because they are too.<\/p>\n And the love worth keeping is the kind that grows with you\u2014not the kind that asks you to shrink so someone else can stay comfortable.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" After about two years of dating, I was at my boyfriend\u2019s house one weekend, lying beside him in bed when he suddenly said something that changed the way I saw … 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