I was twenty-three when my boyfriend of two years told me he was becoming less attracted to me.<\/p>\n
We were sitting on his couch on an ordinary Thursday evening. I had just finished telling him about a stressful week at work when he suddenly said he wanted to talk about something serious.<\/p>\n
He looked uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
\u201cI’ve noticed you’ve gained some weight lately.\u201d<\/p>\n
I blinked.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shifted on the couch.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don’t know how to say this without sounding terrible, but I’m finding you less attractive.\u201d<\/p>\n
For a moment, I thought I had misunderstood him.<\/p>\n
I looked down at myself.<\/p>\n
I had gained approximately ten pounds over the previous year. My clothes still fit. I was still active, still going out with friends, and still living the same life I had before.<\/p>\n
Nothing about me had changed dramatically.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you worried about my health?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot really. You seem fine. It’s just that I have a certain type, and I don’t want us to lose that physical attraction.\u201d<\/p>\n
His honesty was uncomfortable, but what bothered me most was how casually he discussed my body as though it were a project he had purchased and expected to maintain.<\/p>\n
I reminded him that I had gained barely ten pounds.<\/p>\n
He shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cTen pounds can make a difference.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
I wasn’t going to argue about whether ten pounds made me attractive. I wasn’t going to stand in front of a mirror defending my body to someone who claimed to love me.<\/p>\n
Instead, I asked calmly:<\/p>\n
\u201cIf my weight bothers you so much, what exactly do you expect me to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
He answered immediately.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought we could make a plan. You could start eating what I eat, come to the gym with me five days a week, and stop having those weekend treats. I could help keep you accountable.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cAccountable for what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor getting back to where you were when we started dating.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he added something that made my stomach tighten.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just don’t want to wake up five years from now and realize I’ve settled for someone I’m not physically attracted to.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat quietly.<\/p>\n
That wasn’t a conversation about health.<\/p>\n
It was a conversation about expectations.<\/p>\n
He had apparently been thinking about my body as something that belonged to the version of me he had started dating, and he expected me to preserve that version indefinitely.<\/p>\n
I asked him another question.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you follow the same plan?\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you gained ten pounds, would you agree to let me decide what you eat, how often you exercise, and what treats you’re allowed to have?\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed nervously.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat’s different. I’m a guy.\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost laughed, too.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow is it different?\u201d<\/p>\n
He couldn’t give me a real answer.<\/p>\n
Instead, he said he was only trying to help me.<\/p>\n
But I had already heard what I needed to hear.<\/p>\n
The following morning, I went to work and thought about our conversation.<\/p>\n
I remembered how supportive he had been when I started my new job. I remembered how he had encouraged me to be confident and independent.<\/p>\n
Yet now he was suggesting that I change my daily habits to preserve his attraction.<\/p>\n
I wasn’t against exercising.<\/p>\n
I wasn’t against eating healthier.<\/p>\n
I wasn’t even against couples setting fitness goals together.<\/p>\n
What I refused to accept was the idea that my body had become a relationship obligation.<\/p>\n
That evening, I asked him to meet me at a coffee shop.<\/p>\n
He arrived expecting another argument.<\/p>\n
Instead, I told him I had thought about what he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand that physical attraction matters to you,\u201d I began. \u201cI’m not going to tell you what you should find attractive. But I need you to understand that I won’t spend my twenties trying to meet a moving target so someone else doesn’t feel like they’re settling.\u201d<\/p>\n
He leaned back.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you’re not willing to work on it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am willing to work on myself. I’m not willing to be managed.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked irritated.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re making me sound like a terrible person.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI’m telling you how your words made me feel.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he finally revealed what he had expected all along.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you would take it seriously. When we first started dating, you were more disciplined. You dressed differently. You worked out more. I figured if I told you how I felt, you’d want to make an effort because you care about keeping me attracted to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
He hadn’t simply hoped we could develop healthy habits together.<\/p>\n
He had expected me to treat his attraction as something I was responsible for maintaining.<\/p>\n
I asked him whether he still loved me.<\/p>\n
He said yes.<\/p>\n
I asked whether he respected my right to make decisions about my own body.<\/p>\n
He hesitated.<\/p>\n
Then he said, \u201cOf course. But choices have consequences.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked confused.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re allowed to have preferences. You’re allowed to decide what you want in a relationship. But I’m allowed to decide that I don’t want a relationship where my appearance is constantly being evaluated.\u201d<\/p>\n
He reached across the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon’t throw away two years over ten pounds.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI’m not ending this because of ten pounds. I’m ending it because you made me feel like I had to earn the right to be loved by keeping my body exactly where you wanted it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went quiet.<\/p>\n
I paid for my coffee and left.<\/p>\n
The next few weeks were difficult.<\/p>\n
He sent messages saying I had misunderstood him. He said he had only wanted us to be healthier together. He even suggested that we could forget the conversation and move on.<\/p>\n
But I knew the difference between someone inviting me to share a goal and someone making me feel inadequate until I agreed.<\/p>\n
I didn’t need him to apologize for having preferences.<\/p>\n
I needed a partner who could communicate those preferences without treating my body like a condition of his affection.<\/p>\n
My friends had different opinions.<\/p>\n
One said I had made the right decision.<\/p>\n
Another thought I should have given him another chance.<\/p>\n
But I didn’t regret leaving.<\/p>\n
A few months later, I started dating someone new.<\/p>\n
On our third date, we ordered pizza and watched a movie at his apartment.<\/p>\n
I reached for another slice and jokingly asked whether he was going to judge me.<\/p>\n
He looked confused.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would I judge you for eating pizza?\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt’s a long story.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen tell me when you’re ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
That simple response reminded me how much I had been carrying.<\/p>\n
I didn’t need someone to monitor my meals.<\/p>\n
I didn’t need someone to approve of my clothes.<\/p>\n
And I certainly didn’t need to prove that ten pounds had not changed my worth.<\/p>\n
At twenty-three, I learned something I wish I had understood sooner:<\/p>\n
A person can be honest about what they find attractive without making their partner feel like a product that must be maintained.<\/p>\n
And love should never require you to negotiate your dignity at the dinner table.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
MY BOYFRIEND SAID HE WAS LOSING ATTRACTION TO ME BECAUSE I GAINED TEN POUNDS. I ASKED WHAT HE EXPECTED ME TO DO\u2014AND HIS ANSWER REVEALED EVERYTHING. I was twenty-three when … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":239908,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-239918","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-honglay"],"brizy_media":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239918","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=239918"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239918\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":239919,"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239918\/revisions\/239919"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/239908"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=239918"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=239918"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/honglay168.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=239918"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}